To share or not to share that is the question. Should we force our children to share?
Most, if not all parents want their children to share their toys with other children. By sharing their toys, our children learn how to be kind to others — definitely a noble goal.
But I read this article last night that made we wonder whether forcing our children to share their toys is actually counter-intuitive to what we want to teach our children.
Training Them from a Young Age
I'm a strong advocate of the free enterprise system. I believe that it's the best foundation for liberty and prosperity in a nation. I want to teach my children those same principles, which include the right to private property and ownership, without fear of interference by those in authority.
Gary North, author of the article I read, reminds readers that "the first eight years are the crucial ones in the development of the child’s perception of things." As such, it's during those early years that we as parents can set our child on the path to the way of thinking they will have as adults.
So what are we teaching our children when we force them to share their toys with others? I'm not talking about asking our children to share; I'm talking about enforcing a policy of "If you live in this house, you must share your toys with everyone".
Suggested Sharing vs. Enforced Sharing
In a home where enforced sharing is practiced, a child does not learn the concept of ownership. The child instead learns that he doesn't really own anything, and consequently no one else does either. Furthermore, he begins to understand that he has a right to take any toy he sees that he wants to play with. To him, there is no such thing as private property.
In his article, Dr. North explains that "If the parent continually interferes with the right of the child to do what he wants with his own property, he is setting up the child for every kind of collectivist panacea.…He will learn that "yours" really is not that fundamental a concept, since "mine" is not enforced either…"
On the other hand, in a home where sharing is suggested, but not enforced, a child learns about ownership and personal responsibility. The parents teach the child about both the benefits of sharing, as well as the negatives of not sharing. If the child chooses not to share after listening to the pros and cons, he suffers the social consequences. This method not only emphasizes the concept of personal property and teaches a child that there are consequences to their actions, but also imparts a respect for the property of others.
Dr. North brings up some interesting points, and his article is definitely food for thought.
To teach ownership and responsibility or force sharing your toys, that is the question now.
What about you? Have you ever considered the implications of suggested sharing and enforced sharing?
Excellent points! I actually have thought about this a great deal. I even wrote a post way back in 2007 entitled Do I Have to Share?
It might be time to revisit the idea. 😉
.-= Renae´s last blog ..Help! I’m Considering Homeschool =-.
Wow – great topic!
I have probably been guilty of making my children share a bit too often (mostly when they were very young or there was a young sibling involved), but on the other hand as often as I can (and certainly as they get older) I try to present to them their options, indicate which would be the right and wrong, and then let them know they have a decision to make and then leave it at that. Doing this, I have the opportunity to teach and minister to the hearts of BOTH children involved.
1.) The not sharer – we discuss what is going on in their heart – WHY they don't want to share, we recall what the Bible has to say about what they are feeling and determine what God would have them do, then I say "I'm not going to MAKE you share, I'm going to leave that up to you. Whatever you decide is between you and God, and I will love you no matter what you choose."
2.) The un-shared – we discuss what is going on in their heart, we recall what the Bible has to say about how they are feeling and determine what God would have them do in that situation, and then I say "It's their thing, I am not going to make them give it to you, they may choose to do so, and if they do you need to be grateful and say thank you. If they don't, you may be sad but you need to accept that it is theirs and not yours and that's okay. If you need help, I will help you find something else to do." If their are other issues like being angry and acting out in anger, we'd of course deal with that, too.
Both of my children are learning valuable lessons in this case – one, that life doesn't always feel fair, and how to react in that situation, 2 – how to be self-less, or what do when you've been selfish and God convicts you of it. Often, my oldest will choose to make a sharing arrangement and take turns. Sometimes she doesn't, and most of the time she will come to me after a short while saying that she didn't share because she was feeling selfish and she now feels bad about that. I love seeing their little hearts grow.
Too often I get caught up in the moment and just make them share, or remove an item they've been fighting over, but I am working on doing this sort of thing more and more. Hopefully when my children are grown, they won't expect the world to hand everything over to them when they ask for it, they will know how to be self-less and they will know how to respond and address their feelings.
Well see,.. about 15 years from now. 😉
.-= Amber @ Classic Housewife´s last blog ..Little Things. Big Changes. =-.
I currently lean more towards the suggested sharing, with occasional forced sharing. I mainly force the issue when I see it more as they're not sharing because they are being spiteful and doing it to hurt the other person's feelings. Then I'll step in, but otherwise I tend to let them work it out on their own.
.-= Ticia´s last blog ..These are a few of my favorite things =-.
One child saying to another that they want their toy and the first child being forced to give it to them in the name of 'sharing' is not really sharing at all. That's demanding something that belongs to someone else. We never did that at our house. Things that had to be shared were things that belonged to everyone in the first place like watercolor paints or balls to play outside with. Things that belonged to just one person had to be shared only if I could see them, if you keep the toy in your room, then you don't have to share. If it's going to be in the living room tempting your baby sister, then you have to share. While we don't allow demanding an item, neither do we want to be a stumbling block to others. There were times that I kept the little ones occupied with something else so the older ones could play, out of their rooms, with something without having to give in to little hands and screams to be included. I usually did that if they had friends over as well. This was a hard lesson to learn for the child who kept losing and breaking all of his crayons. His older siblings would frequently be asked to 'share' theirs. I finally had to say that if you break all your crayons then you don't get to color. It isn't fair the the kids who kept their crayons in whole pieces to have to give them to you (to break). That was probably the biggest lesson my kids ever had on the free market system and personal responsibility. It has been a huge disappointment to them to find out as they've gotten older that society in general, and our government in particular, does not always hold the same view. Frankly, I've believe I've gotten all the joy I'm going to out of 'sharing' my income through higher taxes.
.-= Sandy´s last blog ..It Only Takes One =-.
Among siblings, we do suggestive sharing. What is theirs is theirs and it's their right to share or not share. But with guests, we will force sharing if they are being stingy with their things. If something is broken, we will replace it for them b/c frankly we don't want them to resent their friends. There would also be an encouragement to put away things they don't want to share prior to their friend's arrival.
.-= Ginger´s last blog ..I Don't Not Hate Double Negatives =-.
I did the 'suggested sharing' most of the time, but then my son's only sibling never got old enough to bug him. A couple of times, one of his friends would drop by and while there, ask me to make my son share something. I would inform that child that it was not my toy and I would not make my son hand it over. Then I would take my son aside, explain the 'out of sight, out of mind' concept and we would put that toy away. Usually, my son was very much a loving/sharing kind of kid. Sometimes, he just wanted a special toy to himself. So, as suggested above, we would put away 'special' toys before certain friends came over.
Kind of like hugging/kissing relatives. I Never forced that. I did request waving…. At ten now, he loves hugs and is very cognizant of telling his relatives that he loves them!